Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
and if I stay it will be double
so you gotta let me know
should I stay or should I go?

(The Clash – Should I Stay or Should I Go)

Being in a long-term relationship has its pros and cons. It offers a sense of comfort and security, but can as well limit you in many different ways. That’s why it is important to regularly assess your own relationship. Is it still adding to your quality of life or are you wasting your time and energy on the wrong person? To help you in making a tough decision, I decided to share with you some of the vital signs of an unhealthy relationship. In the end it will still be up to you to decide whether it is worth the effort to work on your relationship or to simply end it, but at least you’ll know why.

Physical distance

This is a common problem with long distance relationships. Physical distance tends to create emotional distance and people start growing apart. The sad truth is that LDR’s rarely work out. E-mails, phone calls or instant messaging are simply no satisfying substitutes for face-to-face contact.

Emotional distance

Probably the clearest indication of a dying relationship is emotional distance, which is characterized by miscommunication, misunderstanding and a strong feeling of incompatibility. More often than not the underlying problem is a fundamental difference in world view and a lack of common interests, goals and dreams.

Personal change

Let’s not mistake this for personal growth. I am talking about a radical change in appearance, beliefs, core values and personality. You should never become someone you are not for any man or person for that matter.

Boredom

Boredom is a symptom of the stagnant relationship. We all know that no relationship is exciting all the time, and it doesn’t have to be either. Still every relationship benefits from a shot of excitement from time to time. If your relationship is lulled to sleep by routine,  try to look for fun activities and common interests you can explore together. Don’t focus on your shared past, but plan for the future.

Infidelity

If you are cheating on your partner or vice versa, it is clear that something is wrong. Nevertheless, this does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship. Some couples are able to talk it out and learn to trust each other again. This, of course, becomes more difficult when one of you is emotionally engaged with another person.

Jealousy

These constant phone calls and text messages you are getting at work are cute in the romantic phase of your relationship. Later on, they become tiresome. In a healthy relationship it is important that you don’t get too clingy and both of you get enough breathing space. A good boyfriend or husband should always allow you to enjoy yourself without him being around and should never ask you to stop seeing certain friends.

Arguments

There is nothing like a good argument for resuscitating your relationship. However, as adults, you should be able to see the other’s point of view and settle conflicts rather quickly. We are all individuals with personal opinions, but ongoing and profound conflicts usually indicate differences that cannot be worked around.

Bad sex

However you turn it, sex is a substantial part of a romantic relationship and when physical needs are not being met, this is often an indication of an unhealthy relationship.

Irritation

After the initial romantic phase you started to notice his flaws and now they have become intolerable. Everything your partner does irritates you or makes you want to change him and you are finding reasons to spend more time apart. Sounds recognizable? Time to leave!

Abuse

There is simply no excuse for being abused either physically, emotionally or verbally. Don’t settle for excuses like “you know I love you”. There is no place for humiliation, mind games or threats in a healthy relationship.

To round up this article, I would like to suggest my favorite read on the subject:  ‘Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A  Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship‘. It is written by psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum and has saved a lot of people thousands of dollars on counseling. In her bestselling book, Kirshenbaum guides you through a step-by-step decision-making process based on 36 questions. There is no easier way to analyze your current situation and draw the right conclusions. Even for people in a healthy relationship this is an excellent way to find their weaker points that can use some work.

How do you decide when it is over? Ever had any regrets?

Always be honest to yourself and never choose comfort over reality,
Alison

(image credit: skedonk)