Okay, so you have decided to end your current relationship. He’s not the one for you and you want him to find out without leaving him in tears. Of course you will break his heart, but at least preserve his dignity and show some consideration. This is how you do it.

BEFORE

First of all, make sure you got your mind made up a 100 percent. You don’t want to still be in doubt when sitting face-to-face with your soon to be ex. Then prepare yourself for conversation. Think about what exactly you want to say and how you will convey the message. It is not a bad idea to actually rehearse  and refine your wording. Go through different possible scenarios and think about how you will reply to some of his questions, the most important one being “why?”. Be honest and focus on your own role in the situation that has developed.  Mentally prepare for the meeting too. Be ready to listen and acknowledge. Empathy is the key to a smooth break-up. Expect him to feel hurt and attacked, but still be confident about your decision. You are not a bad person for ending a relationship that has no future after all. Finally, arrange a meeting with your boyfriend or husband in a calm and peaceful environment and hint at the importance of the conversation. If you expect to be stuck in an endless conversation, set a time constraint. You could, for example, set an appointment right after you want the conversation to end. By the way, do I really have to tell you not to break up through the phone or a text message?

THE BREAK-UP

Alright, here you are sitting on both sides of the table, millions of thoughts going through your head and your heart beating in your throat. Try to calm down a bit and take your time. You want to take this step by step, as this gives you and your conversation partner some time to process your thoughts. Start talking about your relationship up till now and how you have enjoyed many aspects of it. Point out some character traits you genuinely like in the other person and some activities you took pleasure in. Next it is time to say how you feel about your relationship going downhill from some point in time. Be open and honest about when you started to notice this decline and why you think both of you ended up in this situation. Never blame the other person and explain that you are both responsible for the problems in your relationship. However, avoid worn-out phrases like “it’s not you, it’s me.” There is no easier way to get on his nerves. Also mind that you give the other a chance to vent and remain calm whatever his reaction may be. It’s no use becoming either offensive or defensive, losing yourself in endless explanations. Apart from being kind and understanding, it is important to state clearly that the relationship is over. Stick to firm language and keep away from words like “maybe” or “if only”. The last thing you want is to seem undetermined and raise false hopes. If necessary, slowly repeat your reasons and don’t let yourself get distracted by his words.

AFTER

Keep your distance right away. Don’t fall into the trap of keeping in touch for at least a couple of weeks, depending on how close you two really used to be. Man is a creature of habit that needs to get used to new situations. Of course, there are some exceptions. There might, for example, be kids involved or mutual possessions that have to be divided. Circumstances and how comfortable you feel around each other will determine how long you will stay in touch. There are many examples of best friends that used to be lovers at one point in time. So, although there may be hard feelings right after the break-up has occurred, afterwards anything is possible!

I am sure you readers have some interesting stories to share on this universal subject. How did your relationships end up till now? Any difference between short term and long term relationships?

Alison

PS: Want more on this subject? Read ‘Dump ‘Em: How to Break Up with Anyone from Your Best Friend to Your Hairdresser‘