First of all, let’s make clear it’s not your fault when your husband or boyfriend cheats on you. This article is not about pointing fingers, but about discovering the possible motives behind the act. Why would he choose an affair with another, often less attractive, woman over being a faithful husband? Most of the time it’s a matter of unfulfilled needs. So what are men looking for?
Sometimes the adultery is just motivated by his will to experiment and expand his horizons. This is not to say he doesn’t enjoy your sex life. Maybe once a week just doesn’t cut it for him or there might be a particular fantasy he wants to try but is afraid to tell you about. In both cases, it’s actually a lack of communication that leads to his exploring different grounds. You’re not talking about sex or intimacy, so he doesn’t want to bring up the subject. Instead he chooses to live out his fantasies or desires with someone else. A new body, different places and probably more sex. It really can be that simple.
Of course it’s not always about sex or lust. Sometimes men just long for uncomplicated excitement. After years of being with the same women, some men might get afraid they are missing out on something. Everything seems scripted and predictable. That’s when they often get curious about being with another woman. No stress, fights, obligations, schedules, routines, criticism, boredom or strings attached. Just an adventurous and non-nagging other. It’s about the rush and the desire to be free. A secret love affair is a risky undertaking and part of the fun is in that risk.
We all like compliments from time to time. This is no different for men. When the cheating is about an ego boost, probably the three A’s are involved: attention, affection and affirmation. When he doesn’t feel appreciated or valued at home, he might be more open to women who show respect, appreciation or even admiration. Men are emotional beings too. They want to feel wanted and desired as much as you do. Sometimes, however, the need for an ego boost has a different cause: fear of growing old. There’s nothing like the undivided attention from a young woman to fight the insecurities that come with aging.
Intimacy is not another word for sex. We are talking about deep emotional connection here. The foundation for this connection is healthy communication. In some relationships there might be a loss of communication which goes with a feeling of emotional disconnection. To fill this void and avoid the feelings of loneliness your lover might go look for open and active communication somewhere else. Possibly he has even thought about leaving you for someone he shares more common ground with. This is the kind of motive that will most likely lead to divorce.
Nothing in particular
This is the kind of man that will cheat on his girlfriend or wife just because he believes he can get away with it. There is not a particular reason why he is being unfaithful, he just doesn’t respect you. Instead he likes to brag about his latest catch and laugh at how forgiving you are. Some men might even get a kick out of playing mindgames with their partner. If your lover is one of them, he clearly doesn’t take either you or your relationship seriously and is not worthy of your love and attention.
In the end, there’s only so much you can do. Show interest, dress up, communicate, give compliments, share quality time, be playful and keep things fresh in the bedroom. In short, be the women who he fell in love with. The rest is up to him.
If you want to read more on the subject, check out ‘The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It‘ by Gary Neuman. It’s a classic already.